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May 5, 2010

7

Read This Before Tazing Yourself – Because Knowing is Half the Battle

I had this story “starred” in my Gmail mailbox from a while ago, and just read it again. The first time I read it, I laughed so hard, I nearly keeled over onto the floor in front of my desk.

For the record, I still think it’d be hella cool to taze myself.


Pigeon Tasers“Last weekend, I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

 

Way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing, and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

So I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself, “It couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?”

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (the trusting little soul), while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, even if only for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So there I sat, in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in the other.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while, I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries, and thinking to myself, “No possible way!”

What happened next is almost beyond description.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, “Don’t do it, you idiot,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn’t hurt all that badly. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for hell of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION WHAT THE HELL!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over, and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, my body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Please note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, take caution: There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by your violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON OF A BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about eight feet from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently, I had shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which, I believe to have come from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles, and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!”


Story over. So what lesson can we take home from this? Always have a spotter ready before you taze yourself. You’re welcome.

 

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7 Comments Post a comment
  1. Jacqualynn
    May 19 2017

    So.. I just got a new taser and I want to try it out. I told my best guy friend that I wanted to and he said “if you taze me, I take you” I said deal and it had to be the same time. And we were going to bc he has one too. We just don’t know where to test it out at. So I looked stuff up and read this and all the comments and all.. so now basically, you all are saying NOT to taze yourself? I mean.. I’m a female of115 lbs and am 5’3″ sooo and my friend is a little bigger than 145 I think and like 5’6″ sooo we shouldn’t orrrr if we do, where??…

    Reply
  2. Gage
    Jul 23 2016

    Yeah no that’s retarded… I’ve tased myself for one second as was perfectly fine….

    Reply
  3. Granger Barnett
    Aug 8 2014

    That is by fa the most piss funny thing I have ‘ever’ read….shiiiiit it was like being tazed I laughed that hard I almost crapped myself. Great work fella GOLD. Know the feeling also (sort of….Lucky I already know NOT to tazer yourself JUST for tha reason that you can’t let go).
    My son (asshole) Tazed me last weekend while I was asleep (new toys from overseas) Deal was “NO tazing family ….especially me as I have had 8 spinal fusions and knew it would destroy my neck due to muscle spasm. I did get my daughter to test it on my Butt twice (while I held me head still to reduce injury) & Yep, It hurt but they where short bursts. I then asked her again (they say with Tazers you should ALWAYS be a trial victim b4 you apply it to anyone else, so I got her to give me 1 good zap to the opposite butt cheek and yep….it stings….for a loooong time, anywhooo back to my moronic son….On the second night of getting his new toy he went out drink with his mates, came home tanked to the eye balls and I had fallen asleep on the couch (damn comfy, super relaxed and NOT ready for his stupidity)…. his mate set the phone of his to record and then it happened…..stuck it fair in my quadricep and started pissing himself laughing….hmmmmmm, I think not. I jolted forwarded jarring my already stuffed neck and jumped to my feet not knowing what the hell had happened (apart from 1000 fire ants biting my leg and excrutiating pain in soooo many spots of my body).
    His next words although sincere (I thought) of “Oh sorry dad, sorry dad” as he quickly backed away made little comfort to my initial reaction/anger/disbelief. I looked him fair in the eyes, did my block, grabbed the closest thing to me (a glass jar) and smashed it as hard as I could at his feet (Yeh smart….not)…I was the one who had to try cleaning it up later once he retreated to his bungalow over 100 meters from my house but not before screaming obscenities and quickly retreating to my bedroom so I didn’t/wouldn’t dish out what I think was fully justified ‘summary justice’.
    Mate, sort of know your pain (but not for as long, and not quite that dopey to tazer myself champ) but nun the less ‘yep’ it hurts enough in a short burst.
    IF…..yep IF you decide to try that kamikaze crap again PLEASE set the video, it would win awards fella. As I said I ‘seriously’ cried in laughter for the whole time I read your story ….. & again just now I recall it lol.
    Fella, I hope u don’t mind but I am sending this web link of your ‘misfortune’ to as many people as I know. Truly worth the read.
    PS ….Hope you find that testicle my friend

    Reply
    • Aug 30 2014

      Granger, that is the single greatest comment I have ever read on the internet, anywhere. Thank you for reaching out to me.

      Reply
  4. May 28 2010

    He should continue to taze himself & become immune. My god He’d be unstopable!!!

    Reply
    • May 30 2010

      I was actually considering that. I wonder how long it would take my body to build up an immunity… Experiment? [=<

      Reply
  5. May 13 2010

    Well, I’ve been tasered before, on my own will. It was an exercise class for my police foundations. I had 2 spotters, and was on the ground for about 20 minutes flailing my arms and body pieces.

    That was for about 2 seconds of actual tasered-ness.

    I feel sorry for the fucker, honestly. I had spotters and I felt like I had been hit by a truck and was walking funny for a week.

    Poor, poor dumb man..

    Reply

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