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July 22, 2011

2

62,487 Simple Rules of Life

62,487 rules, minus 62,467. Following these simple rules will add twenty years to your life span. I promise.

Rules for Dealing with Two-Year-Olds

  1. When crouching for any longer than five seconds, assume that you will be giving an enterprising two-year-old a piggy back ride.
  2. Always lock the bathroom door. If you’re being followed by a two-year-old, assume that said two-year-old will try to open the door and come in after you.
  3. Wear a cup when play fighting. If you are female… Well, lucky you, then.
  4. If you buy a Transformer for one of them, you must buy a Transformer for each of them. Transformers are unshareable commodities.
  5. Everything you say can and will be used against you at some point. Your two-year-old friend will repeat anything you say, and it will always be at the most inopportune time.

Situations That Must be Solved with a Dropkick

  1. Cute DropkickDealing with a temperamental washing machine.
  2. A raccoon attack.
  3. Getting locked out of your apartment.
  4. Getting locked in someone else’s apartment.
  5. A tie in Rock Paper Scissors.

Things You Must Never Leave Home Without

  1. Your wallet.
  2. Your keys.
  3. Your cellular communication device.
  4. Someone’s pants.
  5. Your grappling hook.

Reasons to Own a Samurai Sword

  1. Centipede Hunter TristanHunting centipedes.
  2. Looking badass walking down the street.
  3. Frightening passersby as you remove the sword from its scabbard and yell at them like Bruce Lee.
  4. Being more hardcore than anyone else at a live action role playing event (lightning bolt, my ass).
  5. Slicing bread.
This is my samurai sword. There are many like it, but this one is mine. … Actually, the one in that picture belongs to someone else. Mine is stained with the blood of a thousand centipedes.
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2 Comments Post a comment
  1. Jul 25 2011

    gonna memorise these immediately 😉

    Reply

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