62,487 Simple Rules of Life
62,487 rules, minus 62,467. Following these simple rules will add twenty years to your life span. I promise.
Rules for Dealing with Two-Year-Olds
- When crouching for any longer than five seconds, assume that you will be giving an enterprising two-year-old a piggy back ride.
- Always lock the bathroom door. If you’re being followed by a two-year-old, assume that said two-year-old will try to open the door and come in after you.
- Wear a cup when play fighting. If you are female… Well, lucky you, then.
- If you buy a Transformer for one of them, you must buy a Transformer for each of them. Transformers are unshareable commodities.
- Everything you say can and will be used against you at some point. Your two-year-old friend will repeat anything you say, and it will always be at the most inopportune time.
Situations That Must be Solved with a Dropkick
- Dealing with a temperamental washing machine.
- A raccoon attack.
- Getting locked out of your apartment.
- Getting locked in someone else’s apartment.
- A tie in Rock Paper Scissors.
Things You Must Never Leave Home Without
- Your wallet.
- Your keys.
- Your cellular communication device.
- Someone’s pants.
- Your grappling hook.
Reasons to Own a Samurai Sword
- Hunting centipedes.
- Looking badass walking down the street.
- Frightening passersby as you remove the sword from its scabbard and yell at them like Bruce Lee.
- Being more hardcore than anyone else at a live action role playing event (lightning bolt, my ass).
- Slicing bread.