You Devious Bastard

Most people appreciate a good prank. Even more people appreciate watching them happen to others. If you’re going to be the one dishing them out, then it’s important that you’re also able to take them as well. We call people who can’t, “sore losers.”

There are few things I enjoy in life more than pulling a prank on a friend. Note: I emphasize friend. I don’t usually subject strangers to my devious ploys. That’s what high fives are for. The great thing about a good prank is that you can sometimes derive the most enjoyment out of the smallest ones. They don’t have to be complicated – just unexpected.

Bonus points if you guess which one is Turkish.

For those of you who don’t know, or follow me on Twitter, Turkish and I work together. He’s a close Italian friend of mine who is 12 feet tall and weighs 945 lbs. And yes, those numbers get bigger and bigger every time I describe him.

So he had this unfortunate habit of always leaving his email logged in at his desk. Naturally, when he left, I couldn’t resist leaving little “surprises” for him to find when he got back. Occasionally, I would open his email inbox, and send utterly ridiculous, nonsensical emails to various contacts in his address book (CC’ing myself, of course, in case anyone replied-to-all, which they often did).

The responses he got back never disappointed. The first couple of times, people thought he was going mad. And he didn’t quite understand what they were going on about when they replied, as he knew nothing of “his” original messages. However, after a while, my reputation started to precede my work, and people recognized the masterpieces for where they truly came from. I started getting emails directly from Turkish’s recipients, thanking me for making them laugh that day. Nice.

For my final piece, I decided to switch things up a bit, and provide some entertainment for his address book in the form of poetry. Keep in mind that poetry is, by no means, my forte. That said, let me know what you think of this novice poet’s work!

Yo. Yo.
I’m the Italian fiend
Suckin cannoli and gettin’ creamed
Nine feet tall, 800 pounds
My love affair with coffee knows no bounds
Hit me up with a laxative
You know my ass is capactive
Rollin down your street in mah Protege fiiiiiive
With my gino beats, nodding mah head as I driiiiive
Rockin my hairy chest like a mediterranean forest
Let it run wild, don’t need to hire no florist
You mess with the family, you gonna get whacked
Don’t even think about it effe, it’s a matter of fact.

For the record, I’m going to point out right now what a great sport Turkish is for taking the hundreds of pranks I’ve thrown at him over the years (like at my grandmother’s funeral) with grace, patience, and a hearty sense of humour. If you’ve been around on Twitter, then you’ve likely read about some of them in the past. Also for the record, he’s gotten me back more than a few times, so our friendship is in no way one-sided.

Talking about former pranks can be almost as fun as actually performing them at the time. I’m looking forward to hearing about some of the fun you’ve had at the expense of some of your friends, or vice versa!

P.S. Turkish, when you read this… Sorry about that picture. It was the best one I could find, I swear.